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With sun shining through the windows, you awake to the sight of your enourmous nose and the smell of chopped chicken liver. Above you see the top of your bunk bed, which seems to be empty The room is filled with pennies, and several nickels. The walls appear gold, but on closer inspection, they're large walls of challah bread, covered in gold spray paint. You have <<print $schmeckles>> schmeckles onhand.
[[Swim in money|swim in money]]
[[Follow Scent with jew nose|scent]].
[[Eat challah bread|bread]]
[[jump out window|window]]
<<set $hassalad = "false">> <<set $hasdrug = "false">> <<set $hasviagra = "false">> <<set $deadmom = "false">>Scrooge McDuck style, you climb to the top of the bunk bed and take a headfirst dive into the pile of pennies. Sadly, pennies are not liquid, and as a result, every bone in your body snaps at once. You catch out of the corner of your eye that is now hanging out on the floor, a [[Bright light|light]]You drag your fat body through the hallway where you eventually reach the stairs. They almost seem talller today, stretching what seems to be for miles.
[[take step down stairs|step1]]
[[jump|ouch]]<<silently>>
<<set $bread = "true">>
<<endsilently>>
<<if $bites is 10>>You are way too full
[[ok now follow the scent|scent]]
<<else>>Yum.
[[take another bite|bite2]]
[[ok now follow the scent|scent]]
<<endif>>
Enter your name:
<<textbox "$name" "your name here">>
When you're ready, click [[here|Jewio]].
<<set $seengod = "false">>You entered "Jewio"
Is this correct?
<<set $schmeckles to 200>>
[[yes|op]]
[[no|op]]There he is! Jew God! He is willing to give you a second chance! But of course not for free, as he requires 25 schmeckles to turn back the clocks.<<set $seengod = "true">>
[[pay 25 schmeckles|judge]]Yum.
<<silently>>
<<set $bites to $bites +1>>
<<endsilently>>
[[take another bite|bread]]
[[ok now follow the scent|scent]]You take 1 step down the stairs
[[take another step|step2]]
[[jump|ouch]]Yea that didn't really work. You were up a bit too high, and tumbled all the way down the staircase. Your neck has snapped on impact, and as everything goes dark, you happen to spot a [[Bright light|light]]. You take another step down the stairs
[[take another step|step3]]
[[jump|ouch]]You take one more step down the stairs
[[take another step|step4]]
[[jump|ouch]]You take yet another step down the stairs
[[take another step|step5]]
[[jump|ouch]]fuck it you [[jump|ok]]You were only 2 steps from the bottom, so jumping didn't really mean anything.
[[continue into next room|living room]]As you enter the room, you spot your mother, sitting on the couch next to a man who appears to be your cousin. "oh sweetie" she says. "Come here. This is ya cousin michael, he's a doctor. Why aren't you a doctor yet sweetie? Why aren't you successful like ya cousin?"
[[try to communicate|talk]]
[[run away|outside]]Without any hesitation, you haul your jew body out the window. Luckily for you, you fell on a box of kittens so the fall wasn't too bad. You get to your feet and start [[walking|outside]]You try to tell your mother off, but sadly, as a silent protagonist, all you do is flail your arms around and spout out what sounds to be italian slurs. Your mom is getting impatient.
[[suicide]]
[[make a salad|salad]]
[[run away|outside]]
You take a few steps outside into the fresh air. Smells nice out.
[[hitchhike]]
[[try and make money]]There are several objects nearby. A [[gun]] hanging over the fireplace from your grandfather, muckhuck the fifth, a [[knife stand]] in the kitchen, and a bowl of [[cream cheese]] sitting on the table.To your mother's delight, you run over the kitchen and immediately run over to the kitchen to make a salad. Now sadly, jews have no idea how salads even work, so you're going to have to figure some things out.
[[suicide]]
[[lettuce, duh|lettuce]]
[[ketchup]]You rush over to the gun hanging over the fireplace and tear it off of the wall. Pulling the trigger results in nothing, since no idiot would leave a fully loaded rifle above a fireplace.
[[make salad|salad]]
[[run away|outside]]
[[beat yourself over the head with the gun]]You dash over to the knife stand, pull out a knife, and jam it into your chest. Now that wasn't so hard now was it? Everything you see goes completely black, then, you catch a glimpse of a [[bright light|light]]It doesn't work. The cream cheese doesn't work.
[[use gun|gun]]
[[use knives|knife stand]]
[[make salad|salad]]
[[run away|outside]]Good idea, use the only ingredient you actually know.
[[...|empty]]Alright, this can work.
You raid the condiments for ketchup, and you eventually find it between the mayonaise and cream cheese. Not knowing what to do with it, you take off the cap, and empty the whole ketchup into the bow. There. There's your salad.
[[show mom]]
[[keep salad for later|nosalad]]You bash your brains in with the gun, and hooray! You loose consciousness! All you can see is a glowing [[bright light|light]]there's no lettuce...
[[ketchup]]
[[run away|outside]]You show mom the salad you made. She actually takes a bite believe it or not, and surprisingly, [[smiles]].The smiling soon turns to rapid coughing and hives. GODDAMIT SHE'S [[ALLERGIC TO FOOD|dead mom]]!So now you see your mom on the floor, with michael, who you completely forgot was still there, sitting perfectly still, as if he never moved. <<set $deadmom = "true">>
[[raid pockets of your dead mom and michael|pickpocket]]
[[run away|outside]]Though both of their pockets together, you manage to find 300 schmeckles! Lucky you!
[[call dad]]
[[run away|outside]]You take out your cell phone and dial for your dad. After ringing 3 times, the voice of frank can be heard on the other end. Salad can be heard in the backround. he shouts "vanni!"
[[scream]]
[[yell italian slurs|slur]]You startle frank and he shuts off his phone. You decide to go [[outside]] instead.Frank understands your situation and rushes to your aid immediately. He'll be here is 30 minutes, what will you do in the meantime?
[[do a little dance]]
[[play in the toilet]]You walk back into the room, completely saladless. Your mom stares at you, and tries to think of a reason of why you just walked into the kitchen and back out again, but she shrugs it off. "Anyway sweetie, we're gonna go to the pharmacy to pick up some vitamins"
<<set $hassalad = "true">>
[[go with the jew mom|driving]]
[[run away|outside]]<<if $schmeckles < 25>>\
You are short on schmeckles, jew god has denied your second chance. GAME OVER
<<else>>
Jew god accepts your offering [[try again|op]] <<set $schmeckles -= 25>>
<<endif>>\You accept the offer and you both get in the car. Even though you are 17 and clearly capable of taking care of yourself, she insists you sit in the back seat for safety. It's a 15 minute drive, how would you like to kill the time?
[[murder]]
[[twiddle thumbs|wait]]
[[count money|schmeckles]]You decide that jews realy don't deserve to live, so you attempt to kill your own mother. There are several somewhat weapon objects around the car. What will you choose?
[[toy truck]]
[[actual mace]]
[[throw salad]]You twiddle your thumbs around for 15 minutes untill you [[arrive]].While counting the money, you manage to find 50 schmeckles in between the seats. Lucky you! You now have <<print $schmeckles += 50>> schmeckles onhand. You [[arrive]] shortly after.You break off a wheel from the toy truck and hurl at your mom. Luckily, as she turns her head around to ask you for a tissue, the wheel lodges itself deep inside her throat. The car starts to spin [[out of control|crash]]Jews often keep maces under the seats, so you try to use it agains your mother. Sadly, it's too heavy for you to pick up. You keep trying to pick it up untill you finally [[arrive]].You take out the "salad" you made earlier, and hurl it at your mom. Luckily, as she turns her head around to ask you for a tissue, the salad splats directly in her face. Her face then starts puffing up as she starts to cough nonstop. The car starts [[spinning out of control|crash]]
<<set $hassalad = "false">>The car pulls up to the pharmacy after 15 minutes of waiting. Your mom holds your hand as you both step into the store. She lets go as soon as you get up to the front, where she starts flirting with the pharmacist. Yes she's still married.
[[search for cyanide|cyanide]]
[[search for viagra|viagra]]
[[play kirby while you wait for your mom to finish|wait for mom]]
[[rob store]]The car starts spinning out of control, and eventually hits a home depot and bursts into flaims.
[[sit and wait]]
[[get out]]You search around for some cyanide pills. After a while, it dawns on you that no pharmacy is dumb enough to leave out a bottle of cyanide. Your mom finishes while you're searching and grabs your and as she walks [[out of the store|leave]].Eventually, you stumble across an isle filled with nothing but viagra. Most of is sold out though, due to the high demand of the product. You find a small bottle of viagra on the bottom shelf for 50 schmeckles.
[[shoplift it|shoplift]]
[[pay 50 schmeckles|pay]]While you play kirby, a second pharmacist sees you and thinks your on line. Lucky for you, you happen to look exactly like Samuel Mullen, who just so happens to have major crippling depression. The pharmacist hands you his prescription, which has a little smiley face on the label. Your mom then finishes and grabs your hand as you both walk [[out of the store|leave]].
<<set $hasdrug = "true">>You both get into the car. As your mom is driving, you spot something shiny out the window far in the distance. Now as a jew, shiny things are nice, and you want them.
[[kill mom to stop car|kill2]]
[[ask to stop the car|ask]]
[[shrug it off and continue home|home]]You don't have any weapon to point at the clerk, so you pull out your salad from earlier. The clerk panicks. He then starts [[handing you schmeckles|robbing]]You Stick the bottle of viagra in your front shirt pocket without anybody seeing. Soon afterwards your mom grabs your hand and drags you out of the store. As the automatic doors open, the alarm goes off. <<set $hasviagra = "true">>
[[return viagra]]
[[run]]You go up to the front counter and politely purchse the bottle of viagra. After you're handed your change, your mom pulls you by the arm and [[out of the store|leave]] <<set $schmeckles -= 50>>You put the viagra back on the shelf, and slowly walk away. Your mom gives you a "i'm too mad to discuss this in a public place" sort of look. She grabs your arm [[out of the store|leave]].
<<set $hasviagra = "false">>You take off as fast as your little jew legs can carry you. You look back and see two guards on your tail.
[[run faster]]
<<if $hassalad is "true">> [[throw salad at guards]] <<endif>>
<<if $hasviagra is "true">> [[throw viagra at guards]] <<endif>>
<<if $hasgun is "true">> [[shoot guards]] <<endif>>As jews aren't really known for their athletic ability, you trip over yourself and stumble onto the ground. Both of the guards catch up to you, and start beating you with sticks. Everything starts to go black, but before you lose consciousness, you faintly see a [[bright light|light]].You throw the "salad" and it hits one of the guards in the face. Now only one guard is on your tail.<<set $hassalad = "false">>
[[run faster]]
<<if $hasviagra is "true">> [[throw viagra at guards|safe]] <<endif>>You throw the viagra and it hits one of the guards in the face. Now only one guard is on your tail.<<set $hassalad = "false">>
[[run faster]]
<<if $hassalada is "true">> [[throw salad at guards|safe]] <<endif>>You find yourself on the side of the road, with something oddly shiny in the distance. You have no other options so you [[head towards it|troll]]The clerk altogether hands you a total of 500 schmeckles. Nice! You then realize that salad, is not really a weapon. A [[gun|gunpoint]] though, that's a weapon. <<set $schmeckles += 500>>You realize this since that weapon just so happens to be pressed up against your temple. To your surprise, a real robber was behind you in line, and you stole his spot.
<<if $hassalad is "true">> [[ready your salad]] <<endif>>
[[run away]]
[[keep everything]]You decide to put your salad to the test, and you slam the salad on the robber's head. He falls to the ground dizzy.
[[take gun]]
[[return money]]
[[run|still bad]]The Robber trips and can't follow you, and you [[run out of the store|run]] with the money and salad in hand.A greedy jew, give money to somebody else? Never! You would rather die than be seperated with your schmeckles. And that's exactly what happens as you hear a loud bang, and a sharp searing pain pierces through your head. You feel the robber steal 600 schmeckles before you hit the ground. Before everything goes black however, you catch a glimpse of a [[bright light|light]]You pick up the [[gun|still bad]] <<set $hasgun = "true">>You return the money back to the clerk in an act of forgiveness. Thankfully, they let you keep 100 schmeckles for stopping the second robber. Your mom takes your hand after you finish handing the money and drags you [[out of the store|leave]]. <<set $schmeckles -= 400>>You might have stopped the robber behind you, but the store is still very angry at you for stealing their money. You [[flee|run]] first.With 2 clean shots you take out both of the guards at once. You take a moment to [[catch your breath|safe]].You realize that the only way to stop the car is killing your own mother. There are several somewhat weapon objects around the car. What will you choose?
[[toy truck]]
[[actual mace|mace2]]
<<if $hassalad is "true">> [[throw salad]] <<endif>>You try to ask your mom if you can stop the car, but only italian slurs come out. You continue driving untill you arrive [[home]].You arrive back at home, where you see cousin michael sitting there on the couch as if he never moved.
[[go to bed|bed]]
[[poke michael|poke]]Jews often keep maces under the seats, so you try to use it agains your mother. Sadly, it's too heavy for you to pick up. You keep trying to pick it up untill you finally [[arrive home|home]].You walk back upstairs, now smart enough to not have to be consciously taking each step. You plop down right on the bed, feeling like the sleepiest of sheepies. You wake up the [[next morning|op]]You poke michael in hopes that you'll get some sort of response out of him.
[[sleep it off and worry about it tomorrow|bed]]
[[slap michael|slap]]You wind up your hand, and give michael a slap across the face. His head doesn't budge.
[[sleep it off and worry about it tomorrow|bed]]
<<if $schmeckles > 24>>[[throw money at him|throw momey]]<<endif>>You take 25 schmeckles out of your pockets and throw it at michael. Finally you get a [[response out of him|transform]]
<<set $schmeckles -= 25>>Michael's eyes begin to roll back into his head. red stars of david replace his pupils. His arms bulk up, his skin turns a purplish hue, and his body grows to the size of the entire house. His nose grows 10 times it's size as well. It begins to [[speak]]..."JEWIO" it bellows. "YOU HAVE FORSAKEN THE JEWISH NAME. WASTING GOOD MONEY GOES AGAINST THE MORALS OF GREED WE'VE BUILT UP OVER THOUSANDS OF YEARS. YOU WILL BE PUNISHED!!!".<<set $schmeckles -= 25>>
<<if $schmeckles > 49>>[[Throw 50 schmeckles|throw2]]<<endif>>
[[go to bed|bed dead]]
[[stand there]]"STOP IT!" <<set $schmeckles -= 25>>
<<if $schmeckles > 99>>[[Throw 100 schmeckles|angry]]<<endif>>
[[go to bed|bed dead]]
[[stand there]]You slowly back away from the monster as to not get hurt. Seeing this, he slams his fist directly into the floor, crushing 205 out of your 206 bones. The spleen is still intact, though due to organ failure you slowly grow unconscious. Before everything goes black however, you see a [[bright light|light]]You stand there and wait for the punishment, and it comes in the shape of a giant foot. Aside from the immense pain you feel, you do see what appears to be a [[bright light|light]]"ENOUGH OF THIS" It cries. He begins to spout words, but they slowly fade away. Everyhting fades away, and before you, you [[see it|jew god 2]]...Before you is the one and only Jew god<<if $seengod is "true">>once again<<endif>>! "jewio". He says. "You've found him. After all these years you've found him! The worst jew alive! His greed and nose dig deep and corrupt his soul slightly more than other jews. We must end him once and for all. Luckily, he as [[one weakness]]..."A bar mitvah! He never had a bar mitvah! That's how he became so corrupt! Jewio, put a stop to the monster jew, and [[save every jew alive|return]]!Your sight slowly starts to come back, and you find yourself standing once again before the giant monster who has been revealed to be the worst jew in the world. He appears agitated.
[[sing hebrew song|fail]]
[[give him a present|fail]]
[[read from torah]]For the first time in your life, you speak aloud in audible speech. "'On the Sabbath day, make an offering of two lambs a year old without defect, together with its drink offering and a grain offering of two-tenths of an ephah of the finest flour mixed with olive oil.'". The looks dazed.
[[sing hebrew song]]
[[give him a present|fail]]
[[mazel tov|fail]]
<<if $schmeckles < 10>>\
You are short on schmeckles, jew god has denied your second chance. GAME OVER
<<else>>
Jew god accepts your offering [[restart bar mitvah|return]]
<<endif>>\Wrong order. The monster steps on you with his giant foot, flattening your body like a pancake. Hebrew god has you covered though, as he'll [[send you back to the beginning of the bar mitvah for 10 schmeckles|send back]]You begin to sing the most hebrew song you can think of. It's really just a mix of throat noises that vaguely sound like hebrew, but the monster doesn't know that. He covers his ears.
[[give him a present]]
[[mazel tov|fail]]
It's a pony.
[[MAZEL TOV!]]You've done it! Michael has become of age, and begins to melt into himself. As he melts in between the cracks in the floor, you hear one last message from [[jew god]]."well done jewio. It's up to you now. With the worst jew dead, you get to choose what happens to us as a race"
[[destroy all jews]]
[[make judaism the global religion|religion]]
<<set $beatgame = "true">>"excellent choice" he says.
Flash forward several days. The cure for cancer has been found, world peace has been achieved, and the German master race rules the earth. It's all so great, you couldn't imagine why you would ever [[try again|start]]"excellent choice" he snickers
Fast forward several days. Chaos has overcome Earth. Several countries have come and gone, many genocides have occurred. The rich are poor, the poor are dead, and the plague has swept the globe. The worth of money has become worthless due to overprint, and temples have replaced all known hospitals. You might want to [[try again|start]]
Yo do a little dance. You look like an idiot. You get so into it, franks actually stares at you dancing for 15 minutes. afterwards, you [[enter his jeep|jeep]]Yes. You certainly did play in that toilet. You drag your wet body up and into [[Frank's jeep|jeep]].Frank asks you "where to?"
You can only point in 4 directions.
[[north]]
[[south]]
[[east]]
[[west]]Now sadly, there's a brick wall directly north of the car. Frank takes your advice though, and slams his jeep into the wall t 70mph. The whiplash makes your head come off. Before it detaches completely though, you can see a [[bright light|light]]Frank drives you south, where you enter a [[pizza parlor]]Frank nods and drives you to wherever he thinks east is. He drops you off into a field with a [[shiny glow|safe]] in the distance.Now west of where you are is the end of the game. Frank doesn't exactly care though, and manages to drive you to the [[end of the game]].Now normally a person in a flaming car would die almost immediately. This was one of those times. In between the flames though, you see a [[bright light|light]]You exit the flaming car. In the distance there is a [[faint glow|safe]].Frank drops you off where what appears to be where the game ends. Before you, you can see <<if then set yes>>
<<silently error bleak nope>> <<image is nowhere>>
<<if help as nowhere>> <<why is this happening>>
<<set game as bugging>> <<all there is is darkness>>
<<there is no help for you now>> <<set you fate as sealed>><<silently error bleak nope>> <<image is nowhere>>
<<if help as nowhere>> <<why is this happening>>
<<set game as bugging>> <<all there is is darkness>>
<<there is no help for you now>> <<set you fate as sealed>><<silently error bleak nope>> <<image is nowhere>>
<<if help as nowhere>> <<why is this happening>>
<<set game as bugging>> <<all there is is darkness>>
<<there is no help for you now>> <<set you fate as sealed>><<silently error bleak nope>> <<image is nowhere>>
<<if help as nowhere>> <<why is this happening>>
<<set game as bugging>> <<all there is is darkness>>
<<there is no help for you now>> <<set you fate as sealed>>
[[turn back]]
[[go forward]]t͇̣͈̣̠̙͡ͅh̜̙͍͙̬̬̻e̡͈͖r̨͚͉̗e̦̳̼̳'͇̦̖̥̭̝̠s̨̖ ̴̭͇͇͓ń̠̞͖̱o̧ ͉͎̲̠͔͇̩́t͞u̜rn͎̣̙̩̰͖͘i̮̟͇͕n̖͖̼̜g̺̞͎͝ ͇̳̮b̮a͔̺c̘̘̟͓̪̪k̜ͅ ̟̻̝͎͖ṋ̴̱̥̮o͙̠͓̤̮͕w. The only place you can go is [[f̧͉̪̙͎̔̈́͜ȯ͉̥̤̦̼̫̼̊͂̓ͯͯͯrͨ͏̼͙͕̖͔̜́w̵̥͕̘̝̳̤̩̮ͥ̈́͋̈́͛̀ă̷̟̺̲̩̣̯̺̟̦ͩ̎ͧͥ̈rͬͪ͏̴̹̯͙d̮͔̺̝͈̊ͭ̎̆̏̈́̒|forward]][[e̓ͨ̏̄̈ͥͤx̵͐ͦc̽ͮ͛ͦͥ͊͘c͒̐͌͂̅ê̇ͣ̆̐̾̋l̇͂͢l̴̈e̛͊̓̑̒n̸̈̈́͋́́́t̷ͫͪ͗̄̚ c̡̮̫̟̜͔̫̝͓̏̃̏̑͟͝h̶͕̱̜̖ͤ̀ͨ̄̈́o̒ͮ̿͏̸̥̗̞̙͎͠i̖̱̠̮̙̹͐̈ͧ̆̈́̍͜c̢̻ͬ̇̌ͭ̊̾ͅĕ̸͙͓̝͠|forward]]
Y̫͇ͦỏ͉̻̜͍̲͑̀ͦû͕͉͗ͫͩ̒ͫ̀̚ ͓͈͋ͤͬc̖̰̭ͭ̈́̓͌̀͊a̪̻̼͒ͪ́̅̽̄n̶͍̗̼̱ͪ ͚̿͐͟s̥̥̲̲̲͢ḛ̥͉̣̮̿ͧ̿ͤ͂ͭḛ̴̲̮͈ ͚̤̰̳̹ͅȉ̘̖͍̘t͗̅ͭͦ͡ ͉̲̏̄̅ͧ̐ͪ̐b̤̩̰͖̀ͣ͗̊͐̐͛e̘̺ͬ̌̕f͖̦͉o͙̖̭͑̂͜r̥̙͞e̛͇̭͚͆ͣ̓͋ͪ̈ y̯̟̒̌ͬ̊͒͒̊͟ȍ̒͒̿҉̣̗̩̩͔̺͎u͚̦̝͕̣͙͖͂ͮ̇.̳̫̮ͪͅ ̴ͧ̔̌̿ͭͫT̹̣ͪͤ͑͘h̭̪͚̟̥͕͐ͧ́̍̋ͩ̚͝ẻ̊̉̈́̃̏ ̜̣̫̣̍̑ͪ̍ͪͪ̎ͅͅht̲̖̩̣̅͐͆m̰̖̮͕̗̠͖̊̔̀͞l̻̉͂ͧ̽ͬ̚͜ ̺̦̠ͩ̎̐̇o͖͇̐ͨf̱̼̤ͮͯ t͌͆̐͊̈́͏̗̺̣̞ḥ̝͇̹͉ͤͬ̾͂̍e̥̯̻̎ͯ̌͢ ͇̝͉̰͙̯̻͗͌̚[[e̢̯̩̝͕̳̞͌ͦ̇̎͌nt̝͇͎͚͎̓ͬ̐͞ȋ͔̜͙̟͍rͪ͊ͮ͒͢e̬̗̻̹͞ ̭̳͂ͧ͝ǵ͔͙̹̙̤̖̽ͤ́̋́ͅa͖͖̬͙̭̬̜ͥ͊͂̊͋͗͜m̐͆̏ͬe|html]]You decide to edit the [[html|edit]] of the entire game<.<set jew = "win">.>
there. that looks good.
[[publish]][[You Win]]. Yay!That's it. You win. Well if you weren't satisfied you can always [[try again|start]]You walk inside of the pizza parlor and walk up to the counter. What will you order?
A. [[sofa]]
B. [[expensive haircut]]
C. [[pizza]]You order a sofa. It crushesyou under it's massive weight. You see a faint [[bright light|light]] though.They give you a haircut. Now you're slightly less appauling. WWhen you go up to thank the man at the counter, he doesn't move. In fact, it appears that every employee is made out of kugel! You try to exit the store but the door is locked. [[who]] would do such a thing?So like 80 percent of people you actually order a pizza. It tastes pretty good. Something [[tastes funny]] though.Cyanide laced pepporoni. It has cyanide laced pepperoni.
[[die]]The cyanide eventually makes it to your bloodstream and you begin to faint. You see in the corner of your eye though a [[bright light|light]].Out from behind the counter pops Adolf hitler's Great Great Great Grandson, Fabio Weishaupt! His father changed his last name to avoid association. Fabio is armed with a schnitzel, how will you fight?
[[give up]]
[[make a salad]]
[[arm yourself with a pizza dough sword|sword]]You throw up both of your arms in the air in surrender. Fabio stabs you directly in the chest with his razor sharp schnitzel. Before fainting howeber, you spot a [[bright light|light]].You run towards the kitchen and begin whipping up a salad. You use your jew instincts to make the only salad you know how, an [[Israeli Salad]]!You scramble around, and eventually find a glob of pizza dough sitting on the counter. You smooth it out into a somewhat-sword shape and [[have at fabio|stab]]!Fabio watches in awe as you make the fastest and greatest Israeli Salad the world has ever seen. He is so distracted that he drops his [[schnitzel]] <<set $hassalad = "true">>You take your weapon and drive it directly into fabio's chest cavity. He falls to knees in front of you, and you manage to pocket 300 schmeckles and a key to the pizza parlor from him. Score. <<set $schmeckles += 300>>
[[leave pizza parlor]]You save your salad for later, and dash at the fallen schnitzel. You take the sword and [[dash at fabio|stab]]You decide to head back home and go to [[bed|op]].<<if $deadmom is "true">> you'll take care of the corpse of your mother tomorrow.<<else>> You'll worry about everything else tomorrow.<<endif>>Along the way you come across a bridge stretching over a flowing river. A troll pops his out from underneath. "ya gotta pay the troll toll, if you want that boy's hole". He gracefully sings.
[[attempt to cross river|river]]
<<if $schmeckles > 24>>[[pay troll toll]]<<endif>>
<<if $hasviagra is "true">> [[give viagra]] <<endif>>
<<if $hassalad is "true">> [[feed him salad]] <<endif>>
<<if $hasdrug is "true">> [[give pills]] <<endif>>You try to simply cross throught the river which appears to only be an inch deep. You stick one foot into the river. Your foot sinks about a foot, but when you pull it back up, where the leg and foot used to be was just blood and bone. Due to lack of balance you fall over into the river. You feel sharp knives surround your body. Everything goes black, except for a single [[bright light|light]]You pay the troll 25 schmeckles, and he allows you to [[cross the bridge]]. Something about him lingers in your mind. <<set $schmeckles -= 25>>"oh yea! Gimme some of that! I need that more than your could imagine kid". He grabs the bottle from your hands and runs underneath the bridge. You hastily make your way [[across the bridge|cross the bridge]]. <<set $hasviagra = "false">>"Oh boy! I'm gonna put some gourmet trash on this thing!" The troll dissapears underneath the bridge with the salad. You wait for him to dissapear completely before you begin to [[cross the bridge]]. <<set $hassalad = "false">>The troll grabs the pills from your hand and chugs down the entire bottle. He becomes dizzy, and collapses at your feet. You raid his pocket for all of his schmeckles. You find 200 schmeckles and 3 schlorps. Once you empty his pockets, you continue on your way [[across the bridge|cross the bridge]] <<set $schmeckles += 200>> <<set $schlorps += 3>> <<set $hasdrug = "false">>You can't seem to get the emiage of that troll out of your head. No matter though, you eventually walk up to what is surprisingly a castle made out of solid gold.
[[enter castle]]
<<if $beatgame is "true">> [[melt castle]] <<endif>>Nobody seems to inhabit the castle. It's completely abandoned, even though it's hiding directly in plain site. Stars of david and bagels can be found all over the castle. Almost as if it was [[made for you]].
<<set $seencastle = "true">>Using your time travelling dimension hopping jew powers given to you by jew god, you melt the entire castle into a pile of mushy gold. You haul all the gold back home and just set it down in the back yard. You feel satisfied getting the one true ending to the game, so you go back to [[bed|op]]It's way too good to be true. It's a jew paradise. There has to be a catch. There must be. Scary monster, curse, [[actual legal owner with the deed to castle|owner]]Well what do you know, a car pulls up in the driveway, and a rabbi opens the front door. "Hello?" he yells. He knows you're here.
[[introduce yourself]]
[[kill him before he kills you]]You appear out of the shadows and approach him. You stretch out your arm to shake his hand, and he instantly beats you over the head with his gigantic nose. Everything begins to go black, except for a single [[bright light|light]]Jews are all evil. All of them. He wants to kill you. You need to kill him before he kills you. There are several objects around you could use.
<<if $schmeckles > 9>>[[throw money to lure him closer|lure]]<<endif>>
<<if $hasviagra is "true">> [[throw viagra to get attention|throw viagra]] <<endif>>
<<if $hassalad is "true">> [[throw salad at him]] <<endif>>
<<if $hasdrug is "true">> [[throw pills]] <<endif>>
You try to throw 10 schmeckles to get his attention without him noticing. He begisn walking up to you. You're hiding behind a pole. <<set $schmeckles -= 10>>
<<if $schmeckles > 100>>[[feed him money]]<<endif>>
[[punch his gut]]
You chuck the viagra and it hits him directly in the head. He begins to start walking towards your hiding spot.<<set $hasviagra = "false">>
<<if $schmeckles > 100>>[[feed him money]]<<endif>>
[[punch his gut]]
You take the salad out and chuck it at him. He begins to walk up towards your hiding spot.<<set $hassalad = "false">>
<<if $schmeckles > 100>>[[feed him money]]<<endif>>
[[punch his gut]]
You chuck the viagra and it hits him directly in the head. He begins to start walking towards your hiding spot.<<set $hasdrugs = "false">>
<<if $schmeckles > 100>>[[feed him money]]<<endif>>
[[punch his gut]]
You ash out from behind the pole you were hiding behind with a handfull of 100 schmeckles. You take the coins and shove them down into the rabbi's throat. He begins to scream. The screaming is soon followed by him violently choking, then fainting, and what looks like death. Congratulations, the castle is yours. You begin to walk up to the [[throne]].You run out from behind the pole you were hiding behind and punch him straight in the gut. He instantly beats you over the head with the largest dradle you've ever seen. Everything begins to go black, exceot for a single [[bright light|light]]The throne gives a view of the entire elegant castle. You smile as you slowly drift [[asleep|op]]You hold your thumb out in hopes a car will come. One car rushes by and blasts your thumb right off of your hand. Your thumb is bleeding out.
[[hitchhike to hospital]]
[[wait to bleed out|bleed out]]Jews love to scam people out of their money, and you figure that today is an excellent day to steal som poor sucker's hard earned schmeckles.
[[pretend to be homeless|bum]]
[[pretend to be a christian|christian]]You sit down on the sidewalk, rub some dirt on your face and clothes, and put out a yamaca in hopes somebody will be generous enough to donate a few schmeckles. You wait for a few hours, with no luck. You catch site though of a little christian boy across the street trying to raise money for the church. People aare donationg hundreds of schmeckles every time they walk by. Then it [[hits you]]You take off your yamaca, draw a little cross on it, and put it on your head upside down in hopes it hides your jewishness. You set yourself up a little stand in hopes somebdoy will donate money for your "charity". After waiting five minutes, one man [[approaches you]]Jews? Nobody likes them. Who would donate money to a filthy jew when a little christian boy across the street is raising money for the church. It's no contest, you're outmatched. And that's when it [[strikes]].Lightning. Lightning strikes. Directly onto the tree that towers over your house. The tree bursts into flames, and within a minute, your entire house is flaming. Now you're a bum on the street who really is homeless.
[[suicide|bumkill]]
[[kill christian boy|bumurder]]
<<if $hassalad is "true">> [[eat salad]] <<endif>>
Lucky for you, your house is still very on fire. You decide to run inside of your house, sit on the couch and wait for [[death]].It's pretty ok. The salad isn't too great but you eat it anyway. You grow weary after the stress of losing your home, and begin to drift [[asleep|op]]It's all his fault. He stole all of your money, and you are eighty three percent sure he made the lightning happen. Your rage builds.
[[grab nearest stick]]
<<if $hassalad is "true">> [[throw salad at him|toomanysalad]] <<endif>>
[[just punch him]]It burns, like alot. The feeling of every nerve of your body feeling as if it's being run under boiling water is unimaginable pain. Luckily after a few minutes, everything starts to go black. You do see though a single [[bright light|light]]A few feet from you is a somewhat sharp stick. You pick it up and lunge at the little boy's chest. Atleast you try to. You stumble over yourself, trip, and fall next to him. The little boy takees his jar of schmeckles and runs away to avoid further harm. You're back where you just were.
[[suicide|bumkill]]
<<if $hassalad is "true">> [[eat salad]] <<endif>>
You rev up your salad, and catapult it directly at the little boy. It boks him on the head and he falls over unconscious.
<<set $hassalad = "false">>
[[finish the job]]
[[steal schmeckles]]You clench your arm into a tight fist, and run up to the little boy. He doesn't see you coming, and your fist lands directly in his gut. He falls over unconscious.
[[finish the job]]
[[steal schmeckles]]You grab the small boy by the head, and with one swift movement you [[crack his neck]]While the little boy is unconscious, you raid his jar for all the schmeckles he has. 500 schmeckles wow! Several citizens cath you stealing from a small boy though. They pin you down and report you to the [[police]]<<set $schmeckles += 500>>His small boy neck is no match for your large jew arms, and the life from his eyes quickly fade. You turn around, and see that the jar of money is now [[empty|shit]]You spend that night sleeping in a cell. It's not too bad, the bed is somewhat soft actually. After about an hour of lying awake, you manage to close your eyes and [[fall asleep|op]]Well shit, you're back to where you were.
[[suicide|bumkill]]
<<if $hassalad is "true">> [[eat salad]] <<endif>>You take a glance at him, and immediately your body tenses up. This is no ordinary man, as standing before you is a [[rabbi]]
He's disapointed. He knows who you are, and what you did. Your huge nose is a dead giveaway. You feel so disgusted with yourself, you can't muster the courage to attempt murder. He angrily holds out his hand.
[[follow him]]
<<if $hassalad is "true">> [[feed rabbi salad]] <<endif>>
He takes you to a small shack in the middle of nowhere. You follow him into the shack where he eventually leads you down into [[the shack]].The rabbi snatches the salad from your hands, smiles and walks away. He waves to you, and happily yells "muckhuck!" Looks like it's back to [[waiting]]You make a pretty good deal of money. 300 schmeckles seems to be the limit by the end of the day. You don't feel satisfied though, as your greed requires [[even more]].It's very late. Nobody appears to be coming. You try to keep yourself awake, but you can't help but [[drift off|op]]You both arrive at the bottom of the stairs. "You disgust me" he says. "Duel me to prove that you have what it takes to be a real jew. Choose your weapon". He sets down 3 items.
[[challah bread]]
[[sack of money]]
[[matzah balls]]<<if $bread is "true">>
The challah bread resonates withthe bread in your stomach, and soon [[begins to glow]]
<<else>>
The challah bread appears too soft to acutally use as a weapon
[[try anyway]]
<<endif>>You choose the sack of money. On close inspecion, it isn't actually filled with real money, but instead, plastic coins. You can't fight with this trash. You take one swing at him and he's completely unaffected.
[[try and fight with it]]
<<if $schmeckles > 99>>[[fill sack with 100 of your own schmeckles|fill]]<<endif>>You have no idea why, but you decide to go with the matzah balls. They are very squishy, and don't appear to be good weapons. You take aim anyway. Where do you aim?
[[mouth]]
[[chest]]
[[groin]]You empty the bag of all of it's money, and fill it with 100 of your own schmeckles. The bag begins to glow, and shortly, feels lighter, yet [[stronger]]. <<set $schmeckles -= 100>>It doesn't end well. You keep smacking him with the uselsess bag od fake coins to no effect. The rabbi then pulls out [[his weapon]].You take your sack of now real money, and beat the rabbi over the head with it. You repeat this [[several times|dead rabbi]] untill he seems dead.The challah bread glows bright, stiffens up, and takes the shape of what appears to be a somewhat decent weapon. With all of your strength, you dig the challah bread into the [[Rabbi's chest|dead rabbi]].You lunge the challah bread directly into his chest, where it just bounces right off. He then pulls out [[his weapon]].A dradle, the biggest one you've ever seen. He raises it high into the sky, and brings it down directly on top of your head. You stumble around and begin to fall unconscious. Before everything goes black however, you see a [[bright light|light]]Blood is everywhere. The rabbi is dead, no two questions about it. You feel satisfied with yourself. You decide to claim his shack as your own as a token of victory. You climb into his jew bed, and instantly [[fall asleep|op]]You take a matzah ball and throw it into the rabbi's mouth. He chews it, swallows it, and lets out a large burp. He the proceeds to take out [[his weapon]]You aim a matzah ball right at his chest, and it deflects right off. The rabbi begins to crack up, considering you completely missed. What he doesn't notice that the mathah ball flew off and hit the giant Gefilte fish directly above his head. It falls right [[on top of him|dead rabbi]].You aim at his groin area, hoping to knock him out. You throw a perfect shot, and it hits him directly in his אשכים. (that's hebrew for testicles). It doesn't look like it hurth though, as it just bounces right off. Oh no, it bounces off of his perfectly circumsized dick! He snickers, and then proceeds to take out [[his weapon]].You turn around and stick out your other thumb in hopes that somebody'll stop to take you to the hospitsl. Another car speeds by and rips your second thumb clean off.
[[wait to bleed out|bleed out]]You lie down on the ground and wait to bleed out. And that's exactly what happens. You start to feel dizzy and everything begins to spin. Out of all of it though, you see a [[bright light|light]]